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Jul. 18th, 2009

I LEAVE FOR SAN DIEGO IN 9 HOURS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Michele, Bryan, Meg and I went to all you can eat sushi. I think I'm addicted to sushi. We ate all we could, I literally felt like I was going to vomit. was it worth it? Of course. I drove. We had a nice day together, it was like how things were back in our high school days. The conversation ranged from time travel, to zombies, to mind control, to time traveling armies of mind controlled zombies. Just the usual with us.

I ended up back at Meg's and we watched the 10 Things tv show. Needless to say, terrible. I went searching for my copy of the movie when I got home, I think someone at school borrowed it and never gave it back. I need to stop loaning out DVDs, that was the 4th one this year I never got back (I know where two are, the other two are gone).

I have work from 4-10:30 tomorrow. Then off Friday. As day off?! Unheard of. I have 3 next week. It shall be nice.

San Diego: 10 Days.
New look! I don't know how I feel about it just yet, it needs some definite tweaking in the next few days, but for right now, I'm digging it. I went into Pushing Daisies mode MAJOR tonight and just had to go all out. I know, nerd, but whatever :)

This last week has been pretty tame. Work, mostly. I got sick a few days ago, but I'm almost completely better now. I got to hang out with my home friends on the 4th after work, then with Cailin, Joe, Jeff, and Ilana on the 5th. Of course, those days are when I was most sick, so I wasn't able to fully enjoy our hang outs. No matter, only 12 days till San Diego! Chloe and I are going to Disneyland on the 21st, and we're going to see a live performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch one of the days I'm there. I am beyond excited for this trip!

Working tomorrow, of course. 2-8 PM, so not entirely bad. Today's shift went by like nothing, plus I got to bond with Sinead. We're both pretty convinced Ryan is gay... along with the rest of the store. Poor guy, needs to just accept the fact, come out, and get with some dudes. It's the only way to do it... pun intended.

PS, feedback on the new look is much appreciated, and suggestions as well! :)

What The Future Holds

I finally quit Target. Well, I put in my two weeks, but still! I literally just wrote a note that said "Amanda, I'm putting in my two weeks, effective immediately, because I can't work two jobs. -Neil McNeil" and put it in my bosses mailbox. I mean, it's not like I've really worked there for the past month. Puma has been giving me 30 hours a week, which for the summer is pretty great. And I'll get a job while I'm up in Boston. So, yay no more Target!

I realized two things today.

1) If I get picked for Fast Forward/Rewind, I have 2 and a half weeks at home, then two weeks in San Diego and New Jersey, then about another two and a half/three weeks before I return to school. Sure, it's 7 weeks total, but if it's broke up like that, it's so soon. I'm so so so so excited, I just need to figure out living arrangements for august into September. Summer is halfway over (if this is the case. FINGERS CROSSED!)

2) Next year is going to be much more drama free. And I'm not just saying that. No pesky ex-boyfriend, no awkward roommate tension, so parental troubles, just me being a single, happy person. And I'm so looking forward to that. Personal problems, out, successful second year, in.

I WANT TO BE BACK IN BOSTON!

I Make People Uncomfortable

I got to the party at 8:15. Put 3 shots in my coffee. Found the blender. Finished an entire bottle of bacardi razz by 9:30. Don't remember much of what happened after 10 PM. Went to bed at 3 AM.

Things I do remember?
-I cried (what else is new)
-I changed outfits 3 times (what else is new)
-I saw people having sex (i think)
-I hid under an SUV when I thought the cops were coming
-Watched somebody get thrown down an entire flight of stairs right in front of me
-Freaked out because of the person being thrown down the stairs
-Sent really bad text messages

Needless to say, I am never going to drink again.

This Town Is A Death Trap

i don't hate where i came from, i just never want to go back there, otherwise i'll never leave.

Being home has made me realize something: I'm staying in California when I go there senior year. I don't want to come back to New York. I've seen what my future could end up as, and I don't ever want. My sister Jen moved out when she was 25, and lives with my cousin Brian and spends most of her time with our family in Staten Island or her boyfriend. Katlyn is 24 and still lives at home. All my unwed cousins live with some form of our family, and all the married ones have stayed uncomfortably close to the rest of our family. People in this town who move back home after school stay here for years, getting apartments when they're about 26 and marrying someone from high school, and stay here. People become townies and never leave.

Even if I move to the city, I'll still be in a comfort zone. I'll always have the option to go home in an emergancy, or if things get bad, or something. It won't push me to be the best. I'd settle for mediocre. Moving to California though... I'd have no friends, no family, no safety net... I'd be pushed to go the distance and be the best I can be. That's what I want.

I haven't really even mentioned to my parents yet that I want to go to California second semester senior year. Why? Because they'd say I was abandoning my family. I mean, sure, I'd be leaving them behind, but I wouldn't forget about them. I just... need my own life, I need something I created myself, not something set down for me already.

I'm different than the rest of my family. Everyone I'm related to helps people in some way: cops, firemen, teachers, nurses. Me? I want to be a producer.

Aftermath

The party was a lot of fun, I loved seeing everybody. It turns out I was invited friday night, but everyone thought I was coming already because of something I said to Lauren earlier in the day. Her facebook status was "i got a feelin..." so i commented "that tonight's gonna be a good night!" because I loved the song. So, everybody thought I knew and that I was coming late. Technically, I did know, because right when Bry found out his parents were going, he told me he was having a huge party that night, but I forgot they were gone. So, my fault for friday, but so glad for saturday. Also, totally freaked out for no reason. I am dumb.

Jeff came to the party. I actually thought of inviting him, but decied against it, partially because he lives far away, partially because I wanted to spend time with my home friends. I mean, he's met a lot of them before between me and Michele, but I thought he'd feel weird around them. I mean, I totally felt weird around his home friends at the party he invited me to. But Michele invited im, so he came. But I really didn't want to spend the entire night with him because I hadn't seen a lot of these people in FOREVER, but then again I felt bad he barely knew anyone. But everything worked out. We all had fun and it was great to see everybody from home and Jeff.

I'm not going to Quidditch this weekend in the city. Here's why:

1) I have work friday until 4 and saturday at 4. so, no time.
2) Bryan's having another party friday night, and I really want to go, and actually stay over this time.
3) It's a hassel to get to the city, and it's like $30 round trip, which I can't afford to spend right now.
4) I don't want to. I mean, I love Quidditch, but this whole thing is too serious for me. Plus, I wasn't asked to participate, so slap right in the face.

Other than that, I'm working every day for the next few weeks. Eep. Guess I'll have time to rest at the very end of July...
Not much to update about from last time I posted. Just been working at Puma. It's a gigantic step up from Target, so yay. I've literally spent the last week in my room when I'm not at work, watching Angel and True Blood. I'm a fang banger, so sue me.

There's a party tonight at Bryan's house. Let me tell you a bit about high school for me. I spent the first three years of high school hanging out with people who were all a year ahead of me, and I literally had close friends in my own grade. When they all graduated, I thought I was screwed. Granted, I was extremely well known, between the name and the me being the only gay kid in my grade, but I didn't have any real friends in my grade at the beginning of junior year. I started making friends at the very end of junior year (Michele being one of them), though, but it was with people who were in an already established group, so I was kind of always on the outskirts of the circle, but even with them, I was literally always known as the gay one in the group, just an expendable friend. Whenever there were parties and stuff of the like, I would be one of the last people invited. Things started to change during Spring Break, when I went on vacation with ALL of these people, and they all really started to get to know me, especially the straight guys of the group who didn't really want to get to know me. But even as the year ended and summer started, I always felt like an outcast with all these people for the two reasons I've already stated. When we went to college, I kept in touch with a few of these people at the beginning of the year, but when things started happening and we all made other friends, I barely spoke to or saw any of them, even though we were all in Boston. And, now that we're all home, I've stopped doing the social things with these people, like going to frisbee (which became a big deal in this town, apparently).

Now, despite the fact that I haven't been around much this summer, I was still insulted when I wasn't invited to the party last night. And of course, I only found out about tonight's party because of Michele. So part of me doesn't want to even bother. But I know I should be more social, otherwise this summer is going to be a hell of a lot more boring than it already is. Maybe going tonight will bring me back into the loop. And maybe I should start going to frisbee more. I just don't want to be an outcast anymore.

Blind Them With Pidgeons

Ijust got back from epic movie night at Joe's. Me, Michele, Cailin, Jeff and Joe. Good times were had. We played taboo, ate rainbow cake, made Jeff eat 4 year old chunky blue cheese dressing, watched House of Psychotic Women in fast forward to the Benny Hill theme song, and then watched Face/Off. All in all it was a ridiculous night.

Something did kind of get to me though. Ilana called Jeff frantically and made him and Joe check their facebook messages. Jared sent out a message to the main Quidditch people, and apparently Middlebury was contacted by the Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Producers (or something) about shooting a promo for the sixth movie during a Quidditch game. Middlebury, in turn, decided Emerson was the team to play, since we were "an eliete quidditch team". So, Jared asked the originals (Ilana, Katie, Abbie, Joe, Gabe) to play in the game, as well as the two freshmen who played on the world cup team (Jeff and Scott), and a few other freshmen (Ian, Emma K., and I think a few others). Apparently, being friends with that ENTIRE group and being a decent Quidditch player means nothing, and I didn't get picked. I mean, it's such an awesome opportunity for them, and YAY EMERSON QUIDDITCH!, but I always feel like I'm overlooked with stuff like this. In high school, I had this problem at frisbee, where I'd be one of the last people picked at games for a team, even though my good friends were all captains and knew I played well. It's why I stopped going to frisbee. And now I feel like since I'm a Narwhal and I'm not fucking obsessed with Harry Potter like Jeff is, I'm not good enough to be on the team. I really hate being the only gay guy in my group of friends. The guys never take me seriously. I'm a good fucking player, and I'm comitted as hell. But I guess Quidditch just isn't my thing. So, I'll have to wait for my time to shine at something else. And it will happen. I've been through enough to know that I deserve something great one day. Maybe I'm just taking this too personally, I just always kind of hoped that I'd be able to play with the World Cup team one day...